


A Lifetime's worth of Pain.

by w_akatoshi



Category: Haikyuu!!, hq!! - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Additional Warnings Apply, Depression, Gen, Other, Physical Abuse, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Verbal Abuse, im not really but, im sorry kuroo, implied suicide, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 05:16:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7209290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w_akatoshi/pseuds/w_akatoshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>A toxic mother ruins far more than just anything.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>” Don't we all pray? Even though at the deepest corner of our hearts, we know there is no ruler. A king resting in the skies, we hope at the weakest nights that he is real ”.</p>
</blockquote>
            </blockquote>





	A Lifetime's worth of Pain.

**Author's Note:**

> you want to know why Kuroo is taking those pre college courses? i'll tell ya.

I.

Kuroo would not say his mother is the worst.

He will never say he despises her entire existence.

To Kuroo, his mother's raging black hair that swiftly rides on her back is beautiful. The thin, yet strong fingers she has, does not make her vulnerable in house duties. Her legs and thighs have all been shaped from walking and running around the supermarket. Her back was seen as a gift from the heaven's above, for it gives a strong sense of relief that she is here with him. With her _family._

 

But to Kuroo, all of his mother's great attributes are but a facade. A mirror, some kind of trick, a _mind_ game. Kuroo knows his mother is kind, loving and supportive. He also knows the same mother, who gave him the same scars that he recalls every night. Alone, the pain dragging in his soul.

At the age of 5, Kuroo completely knew by heart the multiplication table. If you ask him to repeat it backwards, he'll do it. He can, because he has to. At the age of 5, Kuroo had no knowledge how to tell his teacher about the bruises on his arms. Should Kuroo say it was because he got 9 x 7 wrong? Or should he say his mother had a stick in her hand and was not afraid to use it?

 

At the age of 8, Kuroo transferred to a private school. The second day, he got bullied by fellow classmates for being smart enough to know the difference between they're and their. Kuroo comes home and outwardly tells his mother the incident. She furrows her eyebrows together, face about to drop a huge thunder roar.

” Did you fight back? ”. Her voice like a snake, silent but with a poisonous hiss. Kuroo blinks, he puts his lunch bag on the table. He looks at his mother innocently, shaking his head because it's the truth. Kuroo did not fought back, if he could prove it then he wouldn't feel this nervous. Kuroo is breathing harder, he has been in the same situation before. Over and over again, punished for breaking the unknown law.

” Are you sure you didn't fight back? ”. His mother asks another question, her eyes buzzing with anger. Kuroo shook his head faster, mouth hanging open; ready to tell her again, that he didn't. She took steps near to her son, reaching out to ruffle Kuroo's hair with her fingers.

” I'll come over tomorrow and talk to your teacher. Okay? ”. And she is smiling, as if forgetting her anger in a whim. Kuroo watches her mother's back retreat upstairs, he is safe tonight. His eyes are blown, his heart is pounding out of his chest. How long until the next torture?

 

At the age of 10, Kuroo noticed how he grew taller than most of the kids in his school. His facial characteristics has slightly changed from the time he was just 8 and he's become interested in volleyball as well. Kuroo wanted the scars gone from his body, it's the only transformation he will ever be truly happy of. Yet he wakes up every morning, looks himself up in the mirror to see the monster underneath. He continues to live.

His father brings him a volleyball one night he comes home. His words were encouraging, supportive and joy filled. Kuroo asked if he could play with his new found friend Kenma, who happens to be 3 houses down from theirs. Kuroo's father looks at his wife, his smile not impressing her.

” You know the parents, why not let him play? I don't see anything wrong ”. Kuroo was so delighted, his eyes were actually shining. From the side of his eyes he can see his mother wearing a frown. Unfazed and unhappy. Is she worried? Or is she disappointed?

 

The same age, Kuroo comes home from Kenma's house to find his parents fighting loudly. He enters through the front, hearing their voices echoing against the walls. Kuroo swallows, he begins to be nervous again. He doesn't know what to do, the shouting from above is distracting him from thinking of an answer. Kuroo's hands are beginning to feel cold, he leaves his bag and ball in the living room. He is rushing upstairs, scared and clueless.

” Mom!! Dad!! ”. Kuroo screams in front of his parent's room, the yells halting into a full stop. He hears heavy foot steps, the door opening for Kuroo to see his mother. 

” You. This is all your fault! ”. His mother accompanies the accusation with a finger pointing to his son. Her eyes are filled with hatred, face curled into rage. Kuroo's father steps into the scene, pulling his son out of their mess.

 

Kuroo's father made sure he's tucked in nicely. The blankets resting him inside their comfort tonight as tomorrow might be a better day for them. Kuroo doesn't know what better means, he's always looked forward to the opposite of it.

 

At a different age, slightly more mature Kuroo Tetsurou pops the question one night to his father. He has been wondering, amazingly still curious at this point. They're both in the garage, his father fixing up his tools.

” Does mother hate me? ”. Kuroo glanced to his side as the clanking of the tools halt. His father, who's looking down at his hands, does not meet Kuroo half way. Was that the answer he was looking for? Was there even anything in the silence to begin with?

” I know that it's very selfish of me to ask for you to understand, all this time you've been doing a good job. Tetsurou, I can't blame you if you think your mom hates you. Somewhere inside her, in her heart, she feels love for you ”.

Kuroo finds the end of his right lip extending up to a half grin. He questions this answer, where is the proof of this explanation?

Love. Kuroo thinks, his father said it.

Why couldn't he look at Kuroo and convince him entirely of this love?

Why does it sound like his own father does not have enough conviction of his own answer?

” Just because I'm only 15 doesn't mean you can trick me. I'm not rebellious nor wanting to be. You gotta break it to me at some point or else I'm going to assume for the rest of my life that she does love me. Or thinks of me as her son, at least ”.

Kuroo left a huge depth with his father, something he has never done. If growing up meant constantly sharing emotions and human interactions, Kuroo would likely surrender as soon as possible.

 

Past 16, he doesn't come home for 2 days. After two nights, Kuroo comes back with his sports bag swinging on his right. He's still wearing his jersey from the camp meet earlier, feeling all too tired but ironically pumped up.

Kuroo walks into the kitchen, first agenda was to greet his mother who's preparing lunch.

He's about to say a few words just to make his presence known, that he has arrived from training camp.

” Where have you been? ”. A sudden threat he hears from his mother, Kuroo doesn't jump from this but turns to be a little surprised.

” I was at school for volleyball training. I showed you the paper from the principal a few days ago, if you remember ”.

Kuroo watches intently on his side. His mother stops from chopping up the vegetables on the cutting board, turning to stare back at him. She's already furious, her eyes like knives that will leave scars.

” This is what you want to do with your life? Toss a ball around while people watch you? You waste your breath running around, and for what? A silly game that no one will remember after 10 years. It would have been less shameful if you're playing for a better team. It would have at least made me proud, even just for a second. Get your head back in the real world, Tetsurou. Houses aren't cheap, bills aren't going to pay themselves. Unless you want to sell your useless self in the streets, you might have a chance of living. Seeing as how you have poor decision making skills, maybe a prostitute is smarter than you ”.

 

Kuroo feels shallow, dizzy. He's looking down, at the floors of his home. His own home that have tainted him more than the outside world have tried. He needs to start talking, his mother hates it when he's silent like this.

” Are you seeing someone, Tetsurou? You got a girlfriend you're trying to _hide_ from me? ”.

Kuroo flinches, it was the wrong sign.

” I-I'm not dating anyone, mother. I swear. I was at the sports meet and- ". Kuroo stumbled on his words, falling deeply in the ground. His mother had angled her head in a precise way of interrogation, if she's not right then she will make herself correct. She began to take steps, every movement Kuroo would hear within his ears. He gulped down harder, breath starting to cut down. Kuroo's hands are shaking insanely against the strap of his sports bag, sweating and icy cold.

His mother is only a few seconds away, her hand aggressively hitting the end of the knife's handle on the refrigerator's door. The sound made Kuroo stop breathing for a second, he did nothing wrong. Why the hell was he so scared then? This never happened before, he thought. He was never threatened with a knife before, or was not waiting for it. ” Tetsurou. Do not make me repeat myself, are you dating someone in my back ? ”. She hit the door again with the handle. This time, Kuroo's mother pointed the steel knife to her own son. Her eyes are marked with exceptional displeasure, resulting from the deception she thought Kuroo had put her under.

” What's for dinner- JESUS CHRIST PUT THAT DOWN! ”. Kuroo's father came home in the perfect timing, right before his own son became a fillet. He took Kuroo out of the kitchen, poor boy was shaking to his soul. He checked if there were marks already, his hands on Kuroo's face. He marched back into the kitchen, leaving Kuroo remotely on his own. Then they started to yell at each other like it was the healthiest exercise in this household. The loud voices echoed through Kuroo's ear, his system had grew immune to it that he doesn't respond to his body's sudden reaction.

He should be disturbed by this. Kuroo needs to stops it before anyone will get hurt.

Kuroo is merely surprised when the thought of his mother actually stabbing his father passed by.

He can't be honest to himself anymore, no one in his family has ever practiced such thing.

 

The same night of the incident, Kuroo had been cooped up in his room. Afraid? No. Sickened by the thought of his own mother hurting him. He should be used to this, he grew up thinking of the same idea everyday. The burning spot in his stomach meant dinner, rumbling like a foreseen typhoon. Kuroo glances up at his door, and then to the clock on his wall. ” 10... huh ”. He contemplates it's too early to try and sneak to the kitchen. Kuroo doesn't say it often but he does cherish his life, even if it's as much as how long his pinky finger is.

 

II.

 

A sunny day showed itself one day in Spring. With all the leaves falling from their mother tree, summer is only a block away. The sun is stingy against the skin, sweat running down. The sunny day is when Kuroo will be hanging his uniform up and out, he's leaving Nekoma High for good. He looks himself on his mirror, hair still wildly running on his head. Kuroo fixed his neck tie good, no crinkles on his polo shirt. The only time he had actually thought about making himself pretty was today, for graduation. Kuroo smiles on a whim when everything looked in place, he is not excited.

Kuroo joins his father a second later for breakfast. He's having eggs and toast this morning, a cup of coffee on his left and his medication on the right. Kuroo decided to go for eggs as well, some leftover meat from last night and orange juice. He'll drink coffee later, when he's out of the house. His dad breaks the silence in the duration of their joined breakfast. ” Did you wake your mother? ”. He asks while he holds the cup against his lip, waiting for Kuroo to talk.

” She was awake when I checked the room, said she doesn't want to eat ”. Kuroo responded in a nonchalant manner. Both of them looking calm with the current situation.

” Don't worry, she's coming. You did a good job, after all ”. His dad had said the same compliment in all these years, Kuroo realized before.

” You mean I dragged myself enough to graduate? Yea, a good job. Not enough to make mother come out and join us- ”.

Kuroo stopped on his tracks, his father's hand holding his arm. He looked at the man on his left, glasses hanging on the ridge of his nose. Kuroo is wearing a face that could snap in any moment, he has been wearing the same face and he doesn't know when it will move on.

” Up until now you've been very remarkable Tetsu. Let's not talk about the past, you're already graduating today. High school was just like a jump out of the fence and college is waiting for you on the other side. Try to take things more positively, alright? ”. His father pulled his hand back to his space, getting back to his coffee and eggs. Kuroo did not attempt to answer nor recite back a half ass speech about him being the victim here.

They're all _victims._ Life takes prisoners, until they are all out of breath and spurt.

 

The sunny day had only seeped in and Kuroo is on the edge yet again. He will keep his cool and maintain balance against himself, hiding between laughter and cheeky grins. Kuroo cannot break, he will not break in front of an audience that will question his actions.

The students are filed up in neat lines at the side of the stage. All of them are wearing the toga and cap that symbolizes their triumph against the great knowledge. The MC had started to call names and Kuroo can't help but feel his insides jumble all around together.

He shouldn't be nervous. Not as much anyway. College meant living in a dorm away from his home, away from his mother.

His mother. Kuroo looks for his mother amidst the crowd in the gymnasium. He finds her in a jiffy, he sat her there before the ceremony started.

Kuroo does not see a legitimate reason to cry about leaving his house. The same 2,600 square feet of brick that sheltered him during times of despair from the outside world.

Yet Kuroo thinks back and the only despair he remembers is right here, he's looking at it. A woman with bags underneath her eyes, uninterested in the world.

What's use of a home when home does nothing but hurt you? The half of it unable to stop the pain.

Kuroo stares at his father as well, the grey in his hair continuing to spread. He's not a reason to stay, doesn't have much belief or anything. He had to marry a woman who went and became cruel to her own son-

Kuroo gulped, eyes hurriedly straying away. He's at it again, the thoughts he wants to be spared from. The voices in his head won't leave him alone, telling him immoral subjects about his own parents. Kuroo is afraid of himself at days like these, days like everyday. The graduation ceremony was just a show, a bigger and flashier effect to show how people are proud of the students who passed. Kuroo thinks they could have just handed out the diplomas and gotten the whole thing over in a second.

Kuroo is damn scared of his own mind. Is he still in control?

 

They took pictures after the event concluded. One with Kuroo's dad and then his mom. If people are able to say their honest opinions, they will say Kuroo looks more of his mother. The eyes and the built of his face are more of a masterpiece from his mother. The manly features from his father, of course. Kuroo knows he looks like his mother, stops himself from being disgusted by the comparison. He'd rather he looked nothing like them, nothing like his abusive mother.

 

The family took the rest of the day to a high class restaurant, a hobby they only emerge into when there's a very special occasion. Kuroo's mother did not approve at first, until the end. His father had pressed harder that she had no choice but to go anyway, not being convinced with the lines of ” Stop thinking about yourself for a moment and do it for your son ”. They all sat at a table in the middle of the busy eatery, Kuroo taking his time to look around if there's a classmate around who's also with their family. His attention was hurled back into the table when the menus were passed to them individually. A medium sized folder, filled with the restaurant's special dishes for tonight.

” I hope this does not come out of the family budget ”. Kuroo hears his mother making unnecessary comments on the other side of the table. Not ashamed that people will hear her. Kuroo's father's first move was to wave her off, saying it's supposed to be a night full of celebration for them. His boy graduated high school for god's sake, he's very happy. The waiter comes back to take their order, Kuroo picking something that he mostly gets in less expensive restaurants. Same ingredients but fancier name. He notices that his mother got the priciest dish on the menu, not batting an eyelash as she gives back the menu to the worker. Kuroo side glances his father, who kept a straight face for the most part. He mentally sighs, he's not going to try and break this huge tension hovering around them.

” You didn't even get all A's in your advanced courses, how is it possible that your school passed you? ”. Kuroo raised a brow to this. His mother was staring directly at him, no hint of rage but just the right amount of annoyance in her voice. He was just about to make a retaliation when his father put a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head. It's not worth it, his face said. Kuroo wanted to ask why, why the hell indeed. If he could spit back the same venom then wouldn't that make this whole fight, fair? 

Or is it because it's Kuroo's mother that from the start he lost anyway? Bullshit.

It's a lot of bullshit, Kuroo shrugged the hand away. He knows he doesn't want to make a scene, no one had stopped his mother thus far. What's she waiting for then?

Is it the mere concept of her taking concern of today's moment or did she lose all hope to try and break Kuroo?

Because she did it? Did she successfully fracture his own son out of his sanity?

 

” The school might have not been as unforgiving like you, maybe that's why ”. Kuroo and his long awaited response was seen as a green light for the enemy to attack at him. It's the first time he's built up confidence, hard enough, to actually fight back. His mother had the same irritated face, brows furrowing more. Kuroo showed a smug grin, a cat like maneuver he learned along the way. His father is ready to jump for the bullet, wishing it will not ricochet anywhere.

” All these years and that's the only thing you can say to me? What kind of man are you? ”. His mother took her eyes off of Kuroo, suddenly her face stretching out into something happy when the waiter came in to serve their food.

 

For the most part of dinner, Kuroo cannot comprehend why his mother had answered in that way. While he munches down on the meal he prayed for, Kuroo only sees the response as a type of awakening. A light to help out with what has been happening. Kuroo is still confused.

Was the unhealthy childhood supposed to teach him how to fight back in the end? 

It only taught Kuroo what not to be in the future, if he decides on getting his own family.

Is being an inhumane parent/person a reasonable-

Wait. An _effective_ method to discipline?

 

The same sunny day exited and turned pitch black when no one was looking. The night came in like it was hunting for prey, fast and menacingly. Kuroo laid on his bed, thinking about college applications and volleyball. The dinner was most excellent, as he look passed it. Something with french for dinner, now that's rare. Kuroo's turning 19 in the late of the year, not even a virgin but he feels like one to the world. He's not going to admit when he lost it or who he lost it too. Kuroo's definitely not going to look back at it and say it was all a mistake. Everything that had happened to him outside his home is nothing but willed acts, he wanted them to happen.

So Kuroo's not going to confess that he's excited about moving out. That he's finally going to escape this dangerous environment that almost deteriorated his mind.

Because he's going to feel guilty about it. Kuroo's going to want to stay then, although he doesn't feel pity. He feels the bedridden guilt that gets heavier on his back.

He's just going to zip his mouth and steady himself there. Kuroo will wait for the day that he will be striding out of his home, bags on his side.

Until then, he will try not to purposely kill himself while sitting on the couch. Or even brushing his teeth.

Because the only time his mother ever smiled, was at the television. And never to anything Kuroo had done for her.

**Author's Note:**

> Eh i don't know what happened but yea bad ending idk lmao  
> I have [Tumblr](http://w-akatoshi.tumblr.com) and [Twitter.](http://www.twitter.com/_senzakikun)


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